Chapter 2

Rob had taken up residence in the spare room, or Dougies’ room. Dougie was in with us for now anyway so for now it was all Rob’s. It hasn’t snowed for at least 12 hours but it’s still as deep. It’s five days since Rob arrived and it’s been great having him around. He’s fixed a few things around the cottage that Mark didn’t have a clue about. He’s even looked after Dougie and let me sleep on a few occasions. I didn’t realise how much I needed the extra sleep. It’s been so good to have a decent rest. He gets up and keeps the fires going so Mark can have a rest as well. I’ve always said there should be a third adult in the family. A sparent, a spare parent.

It’s been good for Mark having Rob here. They have been having some very interesting chats late at night by the fire drinking whisky he brought with him.

He also brought me a huge bar of chocolate. He’s knows how to get on my good side.

I pass his room as I go to go downstairs. I know they are in the shed doing men things. I’ll hear them if they came in. I could just take a look through his stuff? See if I can find out anything. I’m not looking for anything in particular just want to see what his life is like at the moment.

I looked the other day and I didn’t find anything of consequence. Maybe he has a diary hidden or something.

I creep into his room, quite why I creep I don’t know but I do anyway. I look under the bed because that’s where I’d hide something if I were him.

Nothing there. I go through his bag again carefully taking things out so I can put them back how I found them. I breathe in the smell of his clothes. They smell of body odour but somehow they smell sweet and comforting. I can’t help wondering, although I think I already know if he’s still in love with me.

 We had a party at a local bar for Marks birthday last year and we all got pretty pissed but Mark was taken home early by his sister as he was completely out of it. I don’t know how it happened but Rob and I ended up going to a club and there he confessed that he was in love with me and always had been from the day Mark introduced us. I was shocked but very flattered and wondered how it would be possible for two very different people to be in love with the same woman.

We both agreed we wouldn’t do anything about it. I hadn’t even considered he would feel that way. I didn’t see how you could love someone your brother is married to, it just didn’t seem right.

Even though Rob is a hit with women he never seemed to settle down to one. There had only been one that had lasted any length of time and that was Natalie. She got on my nerves and was always comparing what people had and always had to have the best of everything. I suppose I was jealous because she was pretty and slim and didn’t seem to make any effort but looked gorgeous all the time. People seemed drawn to her but I just couldn’t warm to her. Mark got on really well with her and it wound me up. I always wondered if he fancied her. I wasn’t disappointed when Rob said they were finished.

I liked another girlfriend of his, Paula but that didn’t last more than 3 months. They came to stay one weekend when we lived in Leeds and we all went out for a curry. I felt like I’d know Paula for years we got on so well and I didn’t feel threatened by her or jealous of her at all. Shortly after that weekend she was dumped. I thought maybe that relationship had potential and thought maybe I had found a new friend in Paula.

I spoke to her once after they had finished and she was heart broken. She was that upset she had accepted a job in New York to get away.

Rob told me on that night in the club that no-one had a patch on me but to this day I still don’t know why Natalie lasted so long.

I hadn’t spent any time alone with Rob so it was hard to tell. I know it’s wrong to want someone to love you even when that person isn’t your spouse but it’s a nice feeling to be wanted by someone other than your other half. I am just being selfish really. I have all my boys here with me tending to my every need and I don’t want it to change.

The dogs are barking outside so the boys must be near to coming in. I quickly stuff Rob’s stuff away and head downstairs.

The boys are coming up to the house and dragging with them what looks like an old tin bath.

I cannot contain my excitement and go out to greet them. Ren and Stimpy are going mad too. Jumping all over the place.

‘Is that what I think it is?’ I clap my hands with glee. I go over to help them. The sooner this baby is in the house the better.

‘We found it in the cattle shed. Your granddad must have used it out there. Although it looks like the cows have been bathing in it.’  Mark said between pants of exertion.

It did look a bit worse for wear and it was going to be hard to clean it outside for use inside but I would think of a way. If it took me all day by the end of the day I would be wallowing in a bath.

‘I’ll clean it out somehow.’ I moved to go inside. The water would take a good while to boil. Best to put it on now.

‘We thought you could do the washing in it. Would be easier than the sink. Rob said and when I looked at him he was smiling.

‘Ha ha. That baby is going to soak away all my troubles.’

‘Yeh and your stench. To be honest Ali we couldn’t stand it anymore we had to do something.’ If I’d have been closer he would have gotten a snow-ball down his shirt.

There was barely enough room in the kitchen for it but after shifting the table and chairs around there was just about enough room for it.

‘We’ll have to leave it out here for now, Ali’ Mark called from outside.

I went to the door, my bottom lip on the ground.

‘Just until we clean it, that’s all. Don’t’ look like that.’ Mark chastised.

It took the best part of the rest of the day to even begin to get the tub half clean. When I saw the rust starting to clear away I rushed inside to fill the pans and get them boiling. Rob was leaning against the sink blocking my way.

‘Let me at the sink please I need to get the water on, we’ve nearly finished.’

He wouldn’t move. I tried to push him but he stayed where he was. I put my hands on my hips. ‘You gonna stop this real stinky woman from having her bath?’

He shook his head. ‘No, but the plumbing will.’ He turned round to turn the tap on and nothing came out. ‘The water’s frozen.’

‘What?! Why now after all these days of minus whatever. Now it decides to freeze. I can’t believe it.’ I rushed to the tap outside. I don’t know why I did because that had never worked since we’d been here.

‘It’s no good trying that one.’ Mark said helpfully.

‘Yes I know it doesn’t work but I’m desperate. I’ve frozen my tits off all afternoon just to get a bath and now the fucking plumbing has packed in.’

Mark stood up from scrubbing the tub. ‘It was ok not long ago.’

‘Well it isn’t now smart arse. Nothing coming out of the kitchen tap.’

We both went inside to investigate. Sure enough as Mark turned on the tap nothing came out. I was close to tears I had been so looking forward to that bath like nothing on earth. It would be like a two-week holiday on a white sandy beach somewhere hot and tropical.

Mark went outside to look at the pipes and Rob stood by the stove with his hand over his mouth suppressing a laugh.

‘What’s so funny?’

‘You are so desperate for this bath aren’t you?’ He took his hand down and folded his arms. ‘What’s it worth for me to fix the plumbing?’

‘Well if it’s frozen there’s bugger all you can do about it.’ I sat down heavily on one of the kitchen chairs.

He was smiling a rye smile. I stood up and moved closer to him. ‘What have you done you bastard?’

He started laughing more. I was close enough to swipe the side of his head. ‘What have you done you wanker? tell me’ I held his arms down but he was too strong for me and in one swoop he had my arms behind my back and we were face to face. Close.

‘What’s it worth?’

‘Your life.’ We didn’t speak for what seemed like minutes but must have only been seconds.

‘Then I better fix it for me my sweet.’ He leaned his face closer to mine so that I could feel his breath on my lips.

Mark banged on the pipes outside and threw us away from each other. A second later he came through the door. ‘Just typical isn’t it after these days of freezing temperatures it decides to freeze now my sweet wants a bath’ He came over and hugged me into his big soft woollen jumper. It enveloped me and made me feel safe.

Rob moved towards the sink. ‘I’ll take a look at it if you like see what I can see.’
Rob pushed past us both forcing Mark closer to me. He was whispering endearments to me trying to make me feel better. I felt the guilt heavy inside as I thought of Rob naked and getting into that bath with me instead of Mark.

‘I’m exhausted I’m going for a lie down before trouble wakes up.’ I slunk off upstairs. Mostly because I was tired, a little bit because I wanted to day dream about Rob and the hot tub.

I don’t know how long I was asleep for but Dougie woke me up wanting a feed. I felt as if I had been asleep for hours. Mark lay in bed fast asleep so it must have been night time. It was hard to tell here it was so dark most of the day.

Bleary eyed and yawning I took Dougie downstairs to feed him so as not to disturb Mark. There was a candlelight glow coming up the stairs from the kitchen. I though at first maybe the boys had forgotten to blow them out. They did it quite a lot and left us with very little candles left. They hardly ever blew them out no matter how many times I asked.

I went into the kitchen expecting to be alone but I wasn’t going to be. Rob was in my tub soaking himself. ‘Oh god sorry Rob I didn’t realise.’ I turned to go back upstairs.

He sat up in the bath and grabbed my arm. ‘No Ali stay. It’s ok. It’s too dark to see anything.’ I turned towards him holding Dougie up on my shoulder. ‘Stay and talk to me. If you don’t mind that is.’

I smiled and went and sat down in the easy chair by the kitchen table and got comfortable to feed Dougie. Rob was facing the fire and I was behind him so neither of us could see what the other was doing.

After a minute or so I broke the silence other than cooing softly to Dougie encouraging him to my breast.

‘I can’t believe you stole my bath.’

‘You were asleep I didn’t want to disturb you. And besides I was just as desperate as you.’

‘What was wrong with the plumbing then? Was it frozen?’ I laid my head back on the chair hardly able to keep my eyes open.

‘Don’t know. It’s still frozen. This bath is full of melted and boiled snow.’ There was another pan on the cooker coming to the boil.

‘My god what time is it. You must have been at it for hours.’

‘It’s about 3 a.m I think. I started melting the snow and it took forever but I couldn’t let it go to waste so I waited.’ He moved his legs about in the water and I could see the muscled definition of them from the glow of the fire. I closed my eyes trying to burn the picture to memory.

We sat in silence for a while longer and I had drifted off to sleep when Rob’s voice brought me back.

‘Do you honestly think you’ll stick it out here?’ I shrugged my shoulders even though he couldn’t see me.

‘I guess so. It’s a challenge and here we don’t worry too much about things, you know like money and possessions and stuff.’

‘But you will have to when spring comes. This place will need a lot doing to it to make it fit for next winter. You can’t live like this forever.’

‘My great grandpa managed and he died at 97.’

‘Yes but you have Dougie to consider.’ He sat up in the bath and reached over the tub to get his drink off the floor.

‘My great grand parents brought their family up here without all the luxury of today’s standards.’

‘Yes, but some of them most probably died of diseases that we no longer have in this day and age Ali.’

It was true, he had a point. But if they could do it without all the material things so could we. ‘It’s good for now Rob I don’t want to spoil it by thinking about the future. I spent all my time in Leeds doing that. Day-dreaming and wondering and worrying. The only thing I have to worry about here is Dougie and Mark and myself.’

He turned round to face me twisting his body to the side and rested his head on his arms on the side of the tub. ‘Do you worry about me Ali?’

I lifted my head to look at him. ‘No Rob why should I worry about you? You can look after yourself.’ I smiled.

‘Mark can look after himself too. Why’dya need to worry about him then?’

‘He’s my husband for a starters and he’s a softy compared to you.’ I sat Dougie up to wind him. ‘Besides it’s my job to look after him and worry about him as a dutiful wife.’ Dougie let out a loud burp and possetted down my back.

I put him in his basket and rubbed the sick into my clothes to soak it up. Rob was lent over the side of the tub coochy cooing at him and Dougie responded by gurgling back.

‘This pots nearly boiling. Do you want it in there?’ I nodded towards the bath.

‘Why don’t I get out and let you have a dip? I’m afraid the water will be horrible but there was quite a bit to wash off.’ He made to get up.

I turned back to the sink and concentrated on the boiling pot as a distraction from Rob’s nakedness.

He came up behind me putting both hands on my shoulders. ‘Why don’t you strip off and I’ll pour the water in. It’ll be lovely and hot. The fire keeps the water really warm.’ I shifted away from him turning away so as not to look at him in case he was naked.

‘It’s ok I’ll do it, you get off to bed.’ I would feel uncomfortable if Rob were to see me naked. I hated even Mark seeing my still swollen stretch marked belly.

‘I won’t look while you undress Ali. Christ you pushed a baby not so long ago with all and sundry staring at you.’ He tried to make light of it.

‘That’s different Rob. It was necessary to be like that. I don’t have to take my clothes off in front of you.’ I felt him behind me again, pressed up against me. His breath in my hair.

‘I really wish you would though Ali.’ I pushed him away.

‘Rob please don’t, not in front of Dougie.’ It was just an excuse until I could get head together. I knew what I wanted more than anything to do right now but my head was telling me not to be stupid. It was just my groin making my head think differently. Rob started to help me undress. I stopped him. ‘Please don’t. Stay if you want to talk but nothing else. I can’t.’ I was facing him now bowing my head away from those tempting lips. He was wearing a towel.

He stepped to make room for me. ‘Sorry Ali, but you know how I feel.’ He turned away and poured the boiling water into the bath.

‘I wasn’t sure, but yes now I know. But it’s just not possible surely you can see that. I couldn’t hurt Mark that way. It would kill him. Not with his own brother.’

‘So you could if I wasn’t his brother then.’ He laughed but it wasn’t funny, he knew what I meant.

Rob turned to fill the pot up again. I dropped my clothes by the tub and climbed in to the water before Rob could turn and see me.

The water felt like fantastic and I couldn’t help but let out a groan of pleasure as I sunk into its’ warm depths. I have been waiting for this moment so long.

For a few seconds I was lost in the warmth and the comfort of the water. Getting the chill out my bones for the first time in days. Thoughts of Rob and Mark and Dougie all gone for just a moment.

‘Ali…Ali?’ I could barely hear Rob through the water. ‘Ali.’  He handed me a glass of whiskey when I resurfaced. ‘So is this place a dream come true for you?’ He sat down on the chair I had been sitting in so he was behind me Dougie was at his feet cooing and gurgling tucked up in his basket.

‘Yes it is. I was so ready for it. To escape that crappy existence I had. I really didn’t know honestly how long I would have been able to go on for.’ I sipped my whiskey, which was hard to swallow but warming and soothing on its way down to the cold pit of my stomach. I could feel bits of rust floating around the bath with me but I didn’t care it was bliss.

‘You mean you are glad you gave up all your creature comforts for this?’ Rob sounded incredulous. He was so used to seeing me in posh clothes and high heels with my hair immaculate and always wearing makeup.

‘You’d be surprised Rob what’s underneath the surface of some people. I dressed the way I did because I had to for my job. I thought it would make me feel better too to be dressed up, makeup on whatever. But now I’m here I realise that is not important…. to me anyway. They will always need people to work in banks and offices and without them the world may stop but for me, well it’s just not me. I like not washing and being smelly.’ I gathered all my hair up in my hands. ‘And this lot is going to have to go. It just gets in the way and on my nerves.’ It was all knotted from the lack of attention and this was the first time it had seen water in weeks.

‘You can’t do that Ali.’ Rob sounded sad and then I felt his hand on my head. ‘You have gorgeous hair. You can’t get rid of it. Wait until summer comes and see how you feel then.’ He stroked my head and it felt nice. But I knew it was going to be cut off if I had my way. I wouldn’t be staying here with long knotted uncomfortable hair. No-one was going to see me and I would always be wearing a hat so what did it matter?

I felt Rob’s hands move onto my shoulders and down to my breasts and for a moment they stayed there. I felt his lips on my neck and his hands travelled down to my stomach but that’s where I stopped him. I hated my belly. ‘No Rob don’t’

‘But you feel wonderful, all motherly and soft’ He kissed my neck and bit it gently with his teeth. ‘At least let me wash you’ He took a flannel and soap and started to wash my arms and hands. I was so self conscious, hairy and smelly and saggy. He moved to my shoulders and back, he massaged the tenseness away. He poured water over my head and massaged soap into my hair and rinsed it away. With his bare hands he soaped my breasts and belly and reached his fingers between my legs. I gave in completely and pushed against his hand. 

Chapter 2

Rob had taken up residence in the spare room, or Dougies’ room. Dougie was in with us for now anyway so for now it was all Rob’s. It hasn’t snowed for at least 12 hours but it’s still as deep. It’s five days since Rob arrived and it’s been great having him around. He’s fixed a few things around the cottage that Mark didn’t have a clue about. He’s even looked after Dougie and let me sleep on a few occasions. I didn’t realise how much I needed the extra sleep. It’s been so good to have a decent rest. He gets up and keeps the fires going so Mark can have a rest as well. I’ve always said there should be a third adult in the family. A sparent, a spare parent.

It’s been good for Mark having Rob here. They have been having some very interesting chats late at night by the fire drinking whisky he brought with him.

He also brought me a huge bar of chocolate. He’s knows how to get on my good side.

I pass his room as I go to go downstairs. I know they are in the shed doing men things. I’ll hear them if they came in. I could just take a look through his stuff? See if I can find out anything. I’m not looking for anything in particular just want to see what his life is like at the moment.

I looked the other day and I didn’t find anything of consequence. Maybe he has a diary hidden or something.

I creep into his room, quite why I creep I don’t know but I do anyway. I look under the bed because that’s where I’d hide something if I were him.

Nothing there. I go through his bag again carefully taking things out so I can put them back how I found them. I breathe in the smell of his clothes. They smell of body odour but somehow they smell sweet and comforting. I can’t help wondering, although I think I already know if he’s still in love with me.

 We had a party at a local bar for Marks birthday last year and we all got pretty pissed but Mark was taken home early by his sister as he was completely out of it. I don’t know how it happened but Rob and I ended up going to a club and there he confessed that he was in love with me and always had been from the day Mark introduced us. I was shocked but very flattered and wondered how it would be possible for two very different people to be in love with the same woman.

We both agreed we wouldn’t do anything about it. I hadn’t even considered he would feel that way. I didn’t see how you could love someone your brother is married to, it just didn’t seem right.

Even though Rob is a hit with women he never seemed to settle down to one. There had only been one that had lasted any length of time and that was Natalie. She got on my nerves and was always comparing what people had and always had to have the best of everything. I suppose I was jealous because she was pretty and slim and didn’t seem to make any effort but looked gorgeous all the time. People seemed drawn to her but I just couldn’t warm to her. Mark got on really well with her and it wound me up. I always wondered if he fancied her. I wasn’t disappointed when Rob said they were finished.

I liked another girlfriend of his, Paula but that didn’t last more than 3 months. They came to stay one weekend when we lived in Leeds and we all went out for a curry. I felt like I’d know Paula for years we got on so well and I didn’t feel threatened by her or jealous of her at all. Shortly after that weekend she was dumped. I thought maybe that relationship had potential and thought maybe I had found a new friend in Paula.

I spoke to her once after they had finished and she was heart broken. She was that upset she had accepted a job in New York to get away.

Rob told me on that night in the club that no-one had a patch on me but to this day I still don’t know why Natalie lasted so long.

I hadn’t spent any time alone with Rob so it was hard to tell. I know it’s wrong to want someone to love you even when that person isn’t your spouse but it’s a nice feeling to be wanted by someone other than your other half. I am just being selfish really. I have all my boys here with me tending to my every need and I don’t want it to change.

The dogs are barking outside so the boys must be near to coming in. I quickly stuff Rob’s stuff away and head downstairs.

The boys are coming up to the house and dragging with them what looks like an old tin bath.

I cannot contain my excitement and go out to greet them. Ren and Stimpy are going mad too. Jumping all over the place.

‘Is that what I think it is?’ I clap my hands with glee. I go over to help them. The sooner this baby is in the house the better.

‘We found it in the cattle shed. Your granddad must have used it out there. Although it looks like the cows have been bathing in it.’  Mark said between pants of exertion.

It did look a bit worse for wear and it was going to be hard to clean it outside for use inside but I would think of a way. If it took me all day by the end of the day I would be wallowing in a bath.

‘I’ll clean it out somehow.’ I moved to go inside. The water would take a good while to boil. Best to put it on now.

‘We thought you could do the washing in it. Would be easier than the sink. Rob said and when I looked at him he was smiling.

‘Ha ha. That baby is going to soak away all my troubles.’

‘Yeh and your stench. To be honest Ali we couldn’t stand it anymore we had to do something.’ If I’d have been closer he would have gotten a snow-ball down his shirt.

There was barely enough room in the kitchen for it but after shifting the table and chairs around there was just about enough room for it.

‘We’ll have to leave it out here for now, Ali’ Mark called from outside.

I went to the door, my bottom lip on the ground.

‘Just until we clean it, that’s all. Don’t’ look like that.’ Mark chastised.

It took the best part of the rest of the day to even begin to get the tub half clean. When I saw the rust starting to clear away I rushed inside to fill the pans and get them boiling. Rob was leaning against the sink blocking my way.

‘Let me at the sink please I need to get the water on, we’ve nearly finished.’

He wouldn’t move. I tried to push him but he stayed where he was. I put my hands on my hips. ‘You gonna stop this real stinky woman from having her bath?’

He shook his head. ‘No, but the plumbing will.’ He turned round to turn the tap on and nothing came out. ‘The water’s frozen.’

‘What?! Why now after all these days of minus whatever. Now it decides to freeze. I can’t believe it.’ I rushed to the tap outside. I don’t know why I did because that had never worked since we’d been here.

‘It’s no good trying that one.’ Mark said helpfully.

‘Yes I know it doesn’t work but I’m desperate. I’ve frozen my tits off all afternoon just to get a bath and now the fucking plumbing has packed in.’

Mark stood up from scrubbing the tub. ‘It was ok not long ago.’

‘Well it isn’t now smart arse. Nothing coming out of the kitchen tap.’

We both went inside to investigate. Sure enough as Mark turned on the tap nothing came out. I was close to tears I had been so looking forward to that bath like nothing on earth. It would be like a two-week holiday on a white sandy beach somewhere hot and tropical.

Mark went outside to look at the pipes and Rob stood by the stove with his hand over his mouth suppressing a laugh.

‘What’s so funny?’

‘You are so desperate for this bath aren’t you?’ He took his hand down and folded his arms. ‘What’s it worth for me to fix the plumbing?’

‘Well if it’s frozen there’s bugger all you can do about it.’ I sat down heavily on one of the kitchen chairs.

He was smiling a rye smile. I stood up and moved closer to him. ‘What have you done you bastard?’

He started laughing more. I was close enough to swipe the side of his head. ‘What have you done you wanker? tell me’ I held his arms down but he was too strong for me and in one swoop he had my arms behind my back and we were face to face. Close.

‘What’s it worth?’

‘Your life.’ We didn’t speak for what seemed like minutes but must have only been seconds.

‘Then I better fix it for me my sweet.’ He leaned his face closer to mine so that I could feel his breath on my lips.

Mark banged on the pipes outside and threw us away from each other. A second later he came through the door. ‘Just typical isn’t it after these days of freezing temperatures it decides to freeze now my sweet wants a bath’ He came over and hugged me into his big soft woollen jumper. It enveloped me and made me feel safe.

Rob moved towards the sink. ‘I’ll take a look at it if you like see what I can see.’
Rob pushed past us both forcing Mark closer to me. He was whispering endearments to me trying to make me feel better. I felt the guilt heavy inside as I thought of Rob naked and getting into that bath with me instead of Mark.

‘I’m exhausted I’m going for a lie down before trouble wakes up.’ I slunk off upstairs. Mostly because I was tired, a little bit because I wanted to day dream about Rob and the hot tub.

I don’t know how long I was asleep for but Dougie woke me up wanting a feed. I felt as if I had been asleep for hours. Mark lay in bed fast asleep so it must have been night time. It was hard to tell here it was so dark most of the day.

Bleary eyed and yawning I took Dougie downstairs to feed him so as not to disturb Mark. There was a candlelight glow coming up the stairs from the kitchen. I though at first maybe the boys had forgotten to blow them out. They did it quite a lot and left us with very little candles left. They hardly ever blew them out no matter how many times I asked.

I went into the kitchen expecting to be alone but I wasn’t going to be. Rob was in my tub soaking himself. ‘Oh god sorry Rob I didn’t realise.’ I turned to go back upstairs.

He sat up in the bath and grabbed my arm. ‘No Ali stay. It’s ok. It’s too dark to see anything.’ I turned towards him holding Dougie up on my shoulder. ‘Stay and talk to me. If you don’t mind that is.’

I smiled and went and sat down in the easy chair by the kitchen table and got comfortable to feed Dougie. Rob was facing the fire and I was behind him so neither of us could see what the other was doing.

After a minute or so I broke the silence other than cooing softly to Dougie encouraging him to my breast.

‘I can’t believe you stole my bath.’

‘You were asleep I didn’t want to disturb you. And besides I was just as desperate as you.’

‘What was wrong with the plumbing then? Was it frozen?’ I laid my head back on the chair hardly able to keep my eyes open.

‘Don’t know. It’s still frozen. This bath is full of melted and boiled snow.’ There was another pan on the cooker coming to the boil.

‘My god what time is it. You must have been at it for hours.’

‘It’s about 3 a.m I think. I started melting the snow and it took forever but I couldn’t let it go to waste so I waited.’ He moved his legs about in the water and I could see the muscled definition of them from the glow of the fire. I closed my eyes trying to burn the picture to memory.

We sat in silence for a while longer and I had drifted off to sleep when Rob’s voice brought me back.

‘Do you honestly think you’ll stick it out here?’ I shrugged my shoulders even though he couldn’t see me.

‘I guess so. It’s a challenge and here we don’t worry too much about things, you know like money and possessions and stuff.’

‘But you will have to when spring comes. This place will need a lot doing to it to make it fit for next winter. You can’t live like this forever.’

‘My great grandpa managed and he died at 97.’

‘Yes but you have Dougie to consider.’ He sat up in the bath and reached over the tub to get his drink off the floor.

‘My great grand parents brought their family up here without all the luxury of today’s standards.’

‘Yes, but some of them most probably died of diseases that we no longer have in this day and age Ali.’

It was true, he had a point. But if they could do it without all the material things so could we. ‘It’s good for now Rob I don’t want to spoil it by thinking about the future. I spent all my time in Leeds doing that. Day-dreaming and wondering and worrying. The only thing I have to worry about here is Dougie and Mark and myself.’

He turned round to face me twisting his body to the side and rested his head on his arms on the side of the tub. ‘Do you worry about me Ali?’

I lifted my head to look at him. ‘No Rob why should I worry about you? You can look after yourself.’ I smiled.

‘Mark can look after himself too. Why’dya need to worry about him then?’

‘He’s my husband for a starters and he’s a softy compared to you.’ I sat Dougie up to wind him. ‘Besides it’s my job to look after him and worry about him as a dutiful wife.’ Dougie let out a loud burp and possetted down my back.

I put him in his basket and rubbed the sick into my clothes to soak it up. Rob was lent over the side of the tub coochy cooing at him and Dougie responded by gurgling back.

‘This pots nearly boiling. Do you want it in there?’ I nodded towards the bath.

‘Why don’t I get out and let you have a dip? I’m afraid the water will be horrible but there was quite a bit to wash off.’ He made to get up.

I turned back to the sink and concentrated on the boiling pot as a distraction from Rob’s nakedness.

He came up behind me putting both hands on my shoulders. ‘Why don’t you strip off and I’ll pour the water in. It’ll be lovely and hot. The fire keeps the water really warm.’ I shifted away from him turning away so as not to look at him in case he was naked.

‘It’s ok I’ll do it, you get off to bed.’ I would feel uncomfortable if Rob were to see me naked. I hated even Mark seeing my still swollen stretch marked belly.

‘I won’t look while you undress Ali. Christ you pushed a baby not so long ago with all and sundry staring at you.’ He tried to make light of it.

‘That’s different Rob. It was necessary to be like that. I don’t have to take my clothes off in front of you.’ I felt him behind me again, pressed up against me. His breath in my hair.

‘I really wish you would though Ali.’ I pushed him away.

‘Rob please don’t, not in front of Dougie.’ It was just an excuse until I could get head together. I knew what I wanted more than anything to do right now but my head was telling me not to be stupid. It was just my groin making my head think differently. Rob started to help me undress. I stopped him. ‘Please don’t. Stay if you want to talk but nothing else. I can’t.’ I was facing him now bowing my head away from those tempting lips. He was wearing a towel.

He stepped to make room for me. ‘Sorry Ali, but you know how I feel.’ He turned away and poured the boiling water into the bath.

‘I wasn’t sure, but yes now I know. But it’s just not possible surely you can see that. I couldn’t hurt Mark that way. It would kill him. Not with his own brother.’

‘So you could if I wasn’t his brother then.’ He laughed but it wasn’t funny, he knew what I meant.

Rob turned to fill the pot up again. I dropped my clothes by the tub and climbed in to the water before Rob could turn and see me.

The water felt like fantastic and I couldn’t help but let out a groan of pleasure as I sunk into its’ warm depths. I have been waiting for this moment so long.

For a few seconds I was lost in the warmth and the comfort of the water. Getting the chill out my bones for the first time in days. Thoughts of Rob and Mark and Dougie all gone for just a moment.

‘Ali…Ali?’ I could barely hear Rob through the water. ‘Ali.’  He handed me a glass of whiskey when I resurfaced. ‘So is this place a dream come true for you?’ He sat down on the chair I had been sitting in so he was behind me Dougie was at his feet cooing and gurgling tucked up in his basket.

‘Yes it is. I was so ready for it. To escape that crappy existence I had. I really didn’t know honestly how long I would have been able to go on for.’ I sipped my whiskey, which was hard to swallow but warming and soothing on its way down to the cold pit of my stomach. I could feel bits of rust floating around the bath with me but I didn’t care it was bliss.

‘You mean you are glad you gave up all your creature comforts for this?’ Rob sounded incredulous. He was so used to seeing me in posh clothes and high heels with my hair immaculate and always wearing makeup.

‘You’d be surprised Rob what’s underneath the surface of some people. I dressed the way I did because I had to for my job. I thought it would make me feel better too to be dressed up, makeup on whatever. But now I’m here I realise that is not important…. to me anyway. They will always need people to work in banks and offices and without them the world may stop but for me, well it’s just not me. I like not washing and being smelly.’ I gathered all my hair up in my hands. ‘And this lot is going to have to go. It just gets in the way and on my nerves.’ It was all knotted from the lack of attention and this was the first time it had seen water in weeks.

‘You can’t do that Ali.’ Rob sounded sad and then I felt his hand on my head. ‘You have gorgeous hair. You can’t get rid of it. Wait until summer comes and see how you feel then.’ He stroked my head and it felt nice. But I knew it was going to be cut off if I had my way. I wouldn’t be staying here with long knotted uncomfortable hair. No-one was going to see me and I would always be wearing a hat so what did it matter?

I felt Rob’s hands move onto my shoulders and down to my breasts and for a moment they stayed there. I felt his lips on my neck and his hands travelled down to my stomach but that’s where I stopped him. I hated my belly. ‘No Rob don’t’

‘But you feel wonderful, all motherly and soft’ He kissed my neck and bit it gently with his teeth. ‘At least let me wash you’ He took a flannel and soap and started to wash my arms and hands. I was so self conscious, hairy and smelly and saggy. He moved to my shoulders and back, he massaged the tenseness away. He poured water over my head and massaged soap into my hair and rinsed it away. With his bare hands he soaped my breasts and belly and reached his fingers between my legs. I gave in completely and pushed against his hand. 

Snow chapter one

It hasn’t stopped snowing for hours. I’ve never seen so much snow. Usually, where I come from, it lasts a day. As kids we would have to rush outside, take the day off school, just in case we missed it.


It must be at least four feet deep now. Mark’s chopping wood outside in the shed. It’s freezing. It’s beyond freezing. It’s frighteningly cold. We went to bed early the evening before because it was so cold and all the fires have gone out. So, poor Mark is out there trying to chop wood to start them all over again. Luckily we still have lots of fire lighters left from the mountain of shopping we bought with us.


We set the alarm 4 hourly to top the fires up but usually Dougie wakes us before that time. So it’s not only me that has to get up every 4 hours. Mark has to attend to the other babies-the fires.


Only we’ve been so cold and knackered we went to bed at 7 p.m. Dougie slept through for once in his short life. Now we’ve paid the price. It takes forever to get them going again with the wood being so cold and damp.


Dougie stirs inside my big woolly jumper, I’m surprised he can breathe down there but at least I don’t have to expose my breasts to the cold when he needs them. I smell really bad the poor babe must be suffocating. I haven’t washed for days, I can’t remember when I last washed my torso; it’s too cold to take my top clothes off. The bits that matter get washed otherwise I couldn’t live with myself.


My armpits are festering and really hairy. Dougie seems happy about it though and Marks the same. In that he is festering too and he doesn’t seem to mind that I am. I can’t understand anyone who says they can’t smell their own body odour its impossible not to. Besides what’s the point in washing, I’ve got no clean clothes, they all need washing too and nothing will dry in the house it’s too cold and damp. How long ‘til summer or even spring maybe? Do they have spring in this neck of the woods or even a summer? God, I hope so otherwise I shall go mad. Christ, what if it just rains in the spring/summer?


This place doesn’t even have a proper bathroom, just an outside long drop in the shed and the sink in the kitchen for washing in. We bought our chemical loo with us when we came and it sits in the pantry down here. We use it all the time now, well we’d have to now I’m certainly not going out in this and the shed door is snowed shut.


It’s a good job I can breast feed. If I couldn’t the hassle I would have trying to sterilize bottles. I’d have to boil a pot all the time and how would we get powdered milk? We never even thought of that when we did our last big shop. I was 9 months pregnant about to drop our first child. Why were we making this ridiculous move when I was about to give birth? Because I wanted to that’s why but fortunately not until I had given birth and used all the pain relief known to man thankfully. We’re so used to being able to go to the shops when we liked, now we can’t, we couldn’t get out even if we wanted. The truck is tyre deep in snow. It only started last night. The farmer up the road (when I say up the road I mean about 4 miles away) said to Mark last week that they were expecting bad weather. In our excitement about being here and the romance of it all we didn’t take it seriously enough.


We have stocks of food, everything that could be in a tin. You name it we have it in a tin. We didn’t get enough chocolate by far though that’s for sure.


At first, we thought maybe the old man had seen a forecast on the TV. In our naivety we then realised he’s lived here all his life. He knows when the weather’s going to change. This is a huge learning curve.


There’s not really much else to do so feeding Dougie all the time I suppose doesn’t really matter. He’s down there anyway and he just latches on when he wants. I don’t have a book to read about this and I’ve never done it before. I just hope I’m doing things ok. I can hardly really worry about it. There’s little I can do if I am doing it wrong. We’re stuck here now and according to Angus (the farmer down the road) it’ll be with us for 6 weeks at least.


We’ll have to ration what food we have. I’ve already lost weight from breast-feeding I guess and lack of chocolate. We did have a few cans of beer but now they’ve gone. Maybe we should brew our own? That would be great but I have no idea what that involves. And where would we get the gear for it from? How you take things for granted in the ‘real’ world.




What I would love more than anything right now, apart from the fires to be burning. Is a lovely boiling bath. I can feel the cold in my bones; it’s been there for days even before the snow started. It’s been minus 15 for 23 hours now. I imagine myself sinking into the hot water. Dougie safe and warm in his crib. I can sink below the water it’s that deep and get my smelly matted greasy hair under the water. It would be the best thing in the world to have that right now.


And whilst I’m wallowing in it Mark brings me a beer, no a glass of wine…no a glass of port or even a glass of hot mulled wine. That’s warm and steaming and it’s really hot against my fingers. The warm liquid slides down my throat and warms my empty tummy. I can feel the warmth penetrating my whole body even though the water I am sitting in is piping hot.


And there’s a pot cooking on the stove, I can smell it drifting up the stairs. Our new aga, well it’s not a new one it’s second hand but it works a treat. The smell from the stew is bliss. It’s full of veggies we’ve grown in our garden and beef from the farm down the road. I feel all warm and fuzzy and drain the glass in my hand whilst Mark takes off his clothes and slides below the water at the other end of the tub. He’s become really muscley from all the work he’s been doing at the house, chopping wood, guttering, building, and gardening. He looks fantastic. I close my eyes tighter as he reaches for me through the water….


I’m brought back to reality by Mark stumbling in through the door with the wood, bringing with him a gust of wind and snow. I feel its icy blast despite already feeling so cold. The dogs follow him in and shake their wetness all over the kitchen floor. They’re wearing a couple of old jumpers I got at the charity shop before we came up here. I feel sorry for them and don’t want them to get cold. But the jumpers are now soggy and with no real way of drying them except in front of the fire. I think they’ll have to go without.
Mark takes off his big winter jacket with much huffing and puffing and snow is flying everywhere. There’s not much room once you come in the door to actually do anything before you reach the chairs in front of the fire, so I feel little specs of cold wetness splash onto my exposed skin and feel annoyed. Which I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. The cold is getting to me.


‘Thank god we have a good supply of wood out there.’ Mark says brushing snow off the logs and setting about starting the fire. I have to move my chair back to allow him the room to get to the fire and the back of the chair hits the sink unit so I stand up and move out the way even though I can’t be bothered to move.
‘Do you think it’ll last us through this weather though Mark?’ I am concerned we will run out of heat because it we do I will go mad indeed.
‘Well, it’s doubtful but we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. I’ll keep a close eye on the stock and when it gets low we’ll have to do something about it’.
The pit of my stomach lurches and I feel suddenly nauseous. It all seemed rather romantic at first, with the snow and being stuck inside but the novelty is wearing really thin already. I get bored so easily and there is absolutely nothing to do here except feed Dougie. I can’t even make endless cups of tea because I have to watch the supplies of gas and tea bags, besides going to the loo is a nightmare as well. I am stuck here for now for sure.


Mark uses what bits of scrap paper he can find about the place and a few twigs off the trees outside to try and get things started in the grate but it’s painful to watch and just when there seems to be some life in it, it fades and dies despite furious blowing and encouragement from Mark, vocally and me, mentally.
We hunt around for things that will burn well and Mark ends up ripping a pair of his pants and setting them on fire. It works and soon the small bundle of kindling sparks into life and smokes before becoming a small roar of flames. Quickly, Mark puts on some bigger sticks so as not to dampen the flame and when that has caught fire gently places a log on top like he’s trying to balance the final card on a card tower.
He stands back to admire his handy work and we both stand there admiring his handy work with our breath held in should any disturbance of the air stops the fire going.
Finally, after what seems to be an eternity the log seems to catch a little and to give it a helping hand Mark throws on the rest of his shredded pants.
‘Let’s not make a habit of this eh? Otherwise we’ll run out of clothes’. He raises his eyebrows to me.
‘Yeah, well at this rate all my clothes will be fit for will be burning anyway’. I make a gesture of sniffing them and pretending to vomit and he laughs at me and hugs my shoulders.
‘I love you,’ he says ‘But you don’t half stink’.
The fire is eventually purring away, not so much as a roar but a purr. And we sit in front of it and watch it like we would watch a new born baby making sure it’s ok and marvelling in the wonder of it.
The heat eventually begins to fill the small room but then so does the smoke and its think heavy odour creates a fug just below the ceiling. There is no way I’m opening the door to let it out so it will have to stay and choke us. Two smells I cannot stand, body odour and the after effects of standing near a bonfire. Both of which I now reek of.
We sit for ages and Dougie nurses on and off as he sees fit. Mark has hardly seen him in days except for a peak or 2 down my jumper and a quick coo at him. There is not much to do now except sit by the fire and wait. Wait for what I don’t know. Mark makes weak black coffee by boiling the pot on the fire. This takes an absolute age but the coffee is a small distraction from the monotony.
‘Wonder what they are doing back home.’ Mark mutters.
‘Don’t know. What time is it?’ I ask and Mark checks his watch. He lifts it close to his eyes. It’s still light outside but the heavy snow filled clouds make the small cottage dark and it’s hard to see anything.
‘3.30?’ He offers. ‘Not sure.’
‘What day is it?’
He thinks for a few seconds. ‘Mmmm, I think its Tuesday.’ Time and days really mean nothing here except for light and dark. Sleep and wake. It seems weird to be thinking of going to bed soon if it’s only half past three.








I can hear Mark, but I can also hear another male voice. The back door opens and in comes Mark carrying a huge bag of logs followed by a well wrapped up figure with a ruck sack on his back.


The man with Mark takes off his hood and turns towards me and immediately I realise it’s Marks brother Rob. I feel myself blush despite the cold. I’m glad I do I need the heat but I hope they can’t see me blushing. It might be that Mark can read my mind and guess what I’m remembering.


Rob takes off his big jacket and comes over to me. He leans in to kiss my cheek.
‘Hello Ali, how are you?’ He looks down at my tummy as if to say I know you’ve had him but he looks like he’s still there.
I smile ‘He’s feeding’ It’s Robs turn to look embarrassed.
‘You look great’ He whispers close to my face.
‘I don’t think I do besides I stink like a pig.’
‘So do I.’ He says smiling. And he’s right he does indeed. I’m surprised I can smell it above my stink.
I make no attempt to get up as Mark heads towards the gas camping stove to put the kettle on.
‘The wood feels ok, we’ll see when we try and light it.’ Mark makes towards the range and starts fussing about screwing up paper and pushing it the fire. Rob heads towards his back and produces some lighter fuel. I could kiss him.
‘You came at the right time’ trying to sound nonchalant, although I feel he’s my hero right now.
Rob smiles and sets about helping Mark by carrying the wood through from the hall. ‘Nice place you have here.’ Rob comments. It’s his first visit since we moved here. He’s really into the outdoors and I guess he’s quite jealous we’re living here and not him. Mark likes his comfort, when we told Rob we were moving up here he laughed. Mark’s a Shirt and tie man and liked, no loved his job in the city but he thought this might be a challenge and that it is. Besides he got passed up for promotion and that really pissed him off so it came at the right time that my Great grandpa left the family this place. We were the only ones stupid enough to accept it. But then I was desperate to get out of the rat race. I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born in the 20’s I think where it didn’t matter what you ate and smoking and drinking were ok and women gave up work when they got married. I hate the concept that now women are expected to go back to work after 3 months of child rearing and everyone needs 2 cars and a big house and clothes and no time and a very expensive nursery brings up your child. Yuk, my idea of hell.


‘Thought I’d drop in on my way up north.’
I felt disappointed, that meant he wouldn’t be staying. ‘Where’ya heading?’ I say trying not to sound disappointed. No matter what we felt for each other it was good to have someone else around. I can’t do much to help Mark and it would be good company for us. We haven’t seen anyone except for Angus and the doctor for a few weeks.
‘I have a friend in Barra I want to get up to see.’
‘You picked a very funny time of year to be visiting.’ Of course this was the best time of year for Rob, the worst the weather the better. ‘How on earth did you get here?’

The nearest main road was at least 4 and a half miles away past Angus’ farm. Even the main road would be blocked; it wasn’t really a main road anyway more like a track. I knew this wouldn’t put Rob off but the drifts were getting pretty deep and it was a white out, out there. How did he navigate?

‘I walked.’ He smiled.

‘Yes I realise that. But how can you see anything out there?’ I had gotten up and was looking out the window at this point. Dougie was asleep again snuggled up.

‘I’m good at this sort of thing remember?’ He spoke like I’d attacked his standing as a man capable of doing that sort of thing. I turned towards him.

‘Yeh Rob I know. I wasn’t having a go.’ I tried to make light of the situation.

‘Hey you two don’t start’ Mark piped up. If only he knew.

Mark was the one of his family who could do no wrong. Rob was always feeling he had to prove himself. Who knew why? I couldn’t see the need myself. Mark was soft and a pushover. Rob was masterful and stood his ground. Rob was good at a lot of things. He was a wow with the ladies, all my friends swooned over him. He was good at his job as an outdoor pursuits instructor. He had tons going for him. Why he felt he was in Marks shadow who knew. Because there was no need they were so totally different and brilliant at different things. There need not be any competition.

He had found his niche and so had Mark it was just that Mark and Rob’s parents thought Rob was a little unconventional. Mind you Mark wasn’t so blue eyed when he told them he was moving up here. What would his poor mother do without him? And how would they get to see their first grandchild?  They just exasperate me.

‘Can I get a look at the son and heir then?’ Rob approached me looking at the bump. I lifted him out and passed him to Rob. I knew he wasn’t that interested in Dougie but had to show willing but the way he held him close and looked at his tiny hands and stroked his soft downy hair was as if he fell in love with him there and then. Maybe he was maturing.

‘He’s beautiful Ali,’ he looked at me and smiled, a smile that reached his eyes. ‘You must be so happy?’

‘Yes indeed we are.’

‘Is he good?’ The question everyone asks but not one you would expect from Rob. I couldn’t help but smile.

 ‘What?’

 I shook my head ‘Nothing Rob…I just didn’t expect that type of question from you that’s all.’ He held my gaze and raised his eyebrows

 ‘yeh he’s good I guess I don’t know I’ve never done this before.’

‘The birth went well?’

‘Yeh Rob it did. Do you want to know the gorey details?’

‘No no that’s fine I was just asking.’ He cradled Dougie and kissed he forehead. He looked so good with him.

Mark continued to play firemaker whilst I made a weak coffee for all of us. The coffee was running low too so we had to be sparing with it.

‘How long you thinking of staying Rob?’ I handed him his coffee and he took a sip of the scolding black liquid before replying.

‘Why is it a problem?’

‘No, of course not. I just wanted to know because we have to ration our food that’s all. We’re running low and stupidly didn’t get enough.’

‘Ever the practical one.’ Mark offered. I sat on his knee as both the chairs were now taken up.

‘It’s ok I understand. I’ve bought some stuff with me I can eat. Packet meals so don’t worry I won’t need to eat your stuff. I didn’t think you’d have thought about it properly so at least I came prepared.’ Rob laughed at the pair us.

‘Hey’ Mark reached over and thumped Rob in the arm. ‘We were sort of prepared just not for visitors.’

‘You too city slickers out here. What a laugh.’

‘You’re just jealous mate coz you’re not living here.’ Mark circled his arms round my waist and hugged me close. Rob cradled Dougie closer still.

‘I thought I’d hang here for a few days maybe see if the weather picks up. I checked the forecast a few times before I left and it didn’t say it was going to be this bad. But I can cope with it. If you can cope with me that is.’

I smiled. Of course he was welcome, he could stay as long as he liked. As long as it snowed or his food ran out. I began to hope it snowed for a few more days yet.