It must be at least four feet deep now. Mark’s chopping wood outside in the shed. It’s freezing. It’s beyond freezing. It’s frighteningly cold. We went to bed early the evening before because it was so cold and all the fires have gone out. So, poor Mark is out there trying to chop wood to start them all over again. Luckily we still have lots of fire lighters left from the mountain of shopping we bought with us.
We set the alarm 4 hourly to top the fires up but usually Dougie wakes us before that time. So it’s not only me that has to get up every 4 hours. Mark has to attend to the other babies-the fires.
Only we’ve been so cold and knackered we went to bed at 7 p.m. Dougie slept through for once in his short life. Now we’ve paid the price. It takes forever to get them going again with the wood being so cold and damp.
Dougie stirs inside my big woolly jumper, I’m surprised he can breathe down there but at least I don’t have to expose my breasts to the cold when he needs them. I smell really bad the poor babe must be suffocating. I haven’t washed for days, I can’t remember when I last washed my torso; it’s too cold to take my top clothes off. The bits that matter get washed otherwise I couldn’t live with myself.
My armpits are festering and really hairy. Dougie seems happy about it though and Marks the same. In that he is festering too and he doesn’t seem to mind that I am. I can’t understand anyone who says they can’t smell their own body odour its impossible not to. Besides what’s the point in washing, I’ve got no clean clothes, they all need washing too and nothing will dry in the house it’s too cold and damp. How long ‘til summer or even spring maybe? Do they have spring in this neck of the woods or even a summer? God, I hope so otherwise I shall go mad. Christ, what if it just rains in the spring/summer?
This place doesn’t even have a proper bathroom, just an outside long drop in the shed and the sink in the kitchen for washing in. We bought our chemical loo with us when we came and it sits in the pantry down here. We use it all the time now, well we’d have to now I’m certainly not going out in this and the shed door is snowed shut.
It’s a good job I can breast feed. If I couldn’t the hassle I would have trying to sterilize bottles. I’d have to boil a pot all the time and how would we get powdered milk? We never even thought of that when we did our last big shop. I was 9 months pregnant about to drop our first child. Why were we making this ridiculous move when I was about to give birth? Because I wanted to that’s why but fortunately not until I had given birth and used all the pain relief known to man thankfully. We’re so used to being able to go to the shops when we liked, now we can’t, we couldn’t get out even if we wanted. The truck is tyre deep in snow. It only started last night. The farmer up the road (when I say up the road I mean about 4 miles away) said to Mark last week that they were expecting bad weather. In our excitement about being here and the romance of it all we didn’t take it seriously enough.
We have stocks of food, everything that could be in a tin. You name it we have it in a tin. We didn’t get enough chocolate by far though that’s for sure.
At first, we thought maybe the old man had seen a forecast on the TV. In our naivety we then realised he’s lived here all his life. He knows when the weather’s going to change. This is a huge learning curve.
There’s not really much else to do so feeding Dougie all the time I suppose doesn’t really matter. He’s down there anyway and he just latches on when he wants. I don’t have a book to read about this and I’ve never done it before. I just hope I’m doing things ok. I can hardly really worry about it. There’s little I can do if I am doing it wrong. We’re stuck here now and according to Angus (the farmer down the road) it’ll be with us for 6 weeks at least.
We’ll have to ration what food we have. I’ve already lost weight from breast-feeding I guess and lack of chocolate. We did have a few cans of beer but now they’ve gone. Maybe we should brew our own? That would be great but I have no idea what that involves. And where would we get the gear for it from? How you take things for granted in the ‘real’ world.
What I would love more than anything right now, apart from the fires to be burning. Is a lovely boiling bath. I can feel the cold in my bones; it’s been there for days even before the snow started. It’s been minus 15 for 23 hours now. I imagine myself sinking into the hot water. Dougie safe and warm in his crib. I can sink below the water it’s that deep and get my smelly matted greasy hair under the water. It would be the best thing in the world to have that right now.
And whilst I’m wallowing in it Mark brings me a beer, no a glass of wine…no a glass of port or even a glass of hot mulled wine. That’s warm and steaming and it’s really hot against my fingers. The warm liquid slides down my throat and warms my empty tummy. I can feel the warmth penetrating my whole body even though the water I am sitting in is piping hot.
And there’s a pot cooking on the stove, I can smell it drifting up the stairs. Our new aga, well it’s not a new one it’s second hand but it works a treat. The smell from the stew is bliss. It’s full of veggies we’ve grown in our garden and beef from the farm down the road. I feel all warm and fuzzy and drain the glass in my hand whilst Mark takes off his clothes and slides below the water at the other end of the tub. He’s become really muscley from all the work he’s been doing at the house, chopping wood, guttering, building, and gardening. He looks fantastic. I close my eyes tighter as he reaches for me through the water….
I’m brought back to reality by Mark stumbling in through the door with the wood, bringing with him a gust of wind and snow. I feel its icy blast despite already feeling so cold. The dogs follow him in and shake their wetness all over the kitchen floor. They’re wearing a couple of old jumpers I got at the charity shop before we came up here. I feel sorry for them and don’t want them to get cold. But the jumpers are now soggy and with no real way of drying them except in front of the fire. I think they’ll have to go without.
Mark takes off his big winter jacket with much huffing and puffing and snow is flying everywhere. There’s not much room once you come in the door to actually do anything before you reach the chairs in front of the fire, so I feel little specs of cold wetness splash onto my exposed skin and feel annoyed. Which I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. The cold is getting to me.
‘Thank god we have a good supply of wood out there.’ Mark says brushing snow off the logs and setting about starting the fire. I have to move my chair back to allow him the room to get to the fire and the back of the chair hits the sink unit so I stand up and move out the way even though I can’t be bothered to move.
‘Do you think it’ll last us through this weather though Mark?’ I am concerned we will run out of heat because it we do I will go mad indeed.
‘Well, it’s doubtful but we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. I’ll keep a close eye on the stock and when it gets low we’ll have to do something about it’.
The pit of my stomach lurches and I feel suddenly nauseous. It all seemed rather romantic at first, with the snow and being stuck inside but the novelty is wearing really thin already. I get bored so easily and there is absolutely nothing to do here except feed Dougie. I can’t even make endless cups of tea because I have to watch the supplies of gas and tea bags, besides going to the loo is a nightmare as well. I am stuck here for now for sure.
Mark uses what bits of scrap paper he can find about the place and a few twigs off the trees outside to try and get things started in the grate but it’s painful to watch and just when there seems to be some life in it, it fades and dies despite furious blowing and encouragement from Mark, vocally and me, mentally.
We hunt around for things that will burn well and Mark ends up ripping a pair of his pants and setting them on fire. It works and soon the small bundle of kindling sparks into life and smokes before becoming a small roar of flames. Quickly, Mark puts on some bigger sticks so as not to dampen the flame and when that has caught fire gently places a log on top like he’s trying to balance the final card on a card tower.
He stands back to admire his handy work and we both stand there admiring his handy work with our breath held in should any disturbance of the air stops the fire going.
Finally, after what seems to be an eternity the log seems to catch a little and to give it a helping hand Mark throws on the rest of his shredded pants.
‘Let’s not make a habit of this eh? Otherwise we’ll run out of clothes’. He raises his eyebrows to me.
‘Yeah, well at this rate all my clothes will be fit for will be burning anyway’. I make a gesture of sniffing them and pretending to vomit and he laughs at me and hugs my shoulders.
‘I love you,’ he says ‘But you don’t half stink’.
The fire is eventually purring away, not so much as a roar but a purr. And we sit in front of it and watch it like we would watch a new born baby making sure it’s ok and marvelling in the wonder of it.
The heat eventually begins to fill the small room but then so does the smoke and its think heavy odour creates a fug just below the ceiling. There is no way I’m opening the door to let it out so it will have to stay and choke us. Two smells I cannot stand, body odour and the after effects of standing near a bonfire. Both of which I now reek of.
We sit for ages and Dougie nurses on and off as he sees fit. Mark has hardly seen him in days except for a peak or 2 down my jumper and a quick coo at him. There is not much to do now except sit by the fire and wait. Wait for what I don’t know. Mark makes weak black coffee by boiling the pot on the fire. This takes an absolute age but the coffee is a small distraction from the monotony.
‘Wonder what they are doing back home.’ Mark mutters.
‘Don’t know. What time is it?’ I ask and Mark checks his watch. He lifts it close to his eyes. It’s still light outside but the heavy snow filled clouds make the small cottage dark and it’s hard to see anything.
‘3.30?’ He offers. ‘Not sure.’
‘What day is it?’
He thinks for a few seconds. ‘Mmmm, I think its Tuesday.’ Time and days really mean nothing here except for light and dark. Sleep and wake. It seems weird to be thinking of going to bed soon if it’s only half past three.
I can hear Mark, but I can also hear another male voice. The back door opens and in comes Mark carrying a huge bag of logs followed by a well wrapped up figure with a ruck sack on his back.
The man with Mark takes off his hood and turns towards me and immediately I realise it’s Marks brother Rob. I feel myself blush despite the cold. I’m glad I do I need the heat but I hope they can’t see me blushing. It might be that Mark can read my mind and guess what I’m remembering.
Rob takes off his big jacket and comes over to me. He leans in to kiss my cheek.
‘Hello Ali, how are you?’ He looks down at my tummy as if to say I know you’ve had him but he looks like he’s still there.
I smile ‘He’s feeding’ It’s Robs turn to look embarrassed.
‘You look great’ He whispers close to my face.
‘I don’t think I do besides I stink like a pig.’
‘So do I.’ He says smiling. And he’s right he does indeed. I’m surprised I can smell it above my stink.
I make no attempt to get up as Mark heads towards the gas camping stove to put the kettle on.
‘The wood feels ok, we’ll see when we try and light it.’ Mark makes towards the range and starts fussing about screwing up paper and pushing it the fire. Rob heads towards his back and produces some lighter fuel. I could kiss him.
‘You came at the right time’ trying to sound nonchalant, although I feel he’s my hero right now.
Rob smiles and sets about helping Mark by carrying the wood through from the hall. ‘Nice place you have here.’ Rob comments. It’s his first visit since we moved here. He’s really into the outdoors and I guess he’s quite jealous we’re living here and not him. Mark likes his comfort, when we told Rob we were moving up here he laughed. Mark’s a Shirt and tie man and liked, no loved his job in the city but he thought this might be a challenge and that it is. Besides he got passed up for promotion and that really pissed him off so it came at the right time that my Great grandpa left the family this place. We were the only ones stupid enough to accept it. But then I was desperate to get out of the rat race. I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born in the 20’s I think where it didn’t matter what you ate and smoking and drinking were ok and women gave up work when they got married. I hate the concept that now women are expected to go back to work after 3 months of child rearing and everyone needs 2 cars and a big house and clothes and no time and a very expensive nursery brings up your child. Yuk, my idea of hell.
‘Thought I’d drop in on my way up north.’
I felt disappointed, that meant he wouldn’t be staying. ‘Where’ya heading?’ I say trying not to sound disappointed. No matter what we felt for each other it was good to have someone else around. I can’t do much to help Mark and it would be good company for us. We haven’t seen anyone except for Angus and the doctor for a few weeks.
‘I have a friend in Barra I want to get up to see.’
‘You picked a very funny time of year to be visiting.’ Of course this was the best time of year for Rob, the worst the weather the better. ‘How on earth did you get here?’
The nearest main road was at least 4 and a half miles away past Angus’ farm. Even the main road would be blocked; it wasn’t really a main road anyway more like a track. I knew this wouldn’t put Rob off but the drifts were getting pretty deep and it was a white out, out there. How did he navigate?
‘I walked.’ He smiled.
‘Yes I realise that. But how can you see anything out there?’ I had gotten up and was looking out the window at this point. Dougie was asleep again snuggled up.
‘I’m good at this sort of thing remember?’ He spoke like I’d attacked his standing as a man capable of doing that sort of thing. I turned towards him.
‘Yeh Rob I know. I wasn’t having a go.’ I tried to make light of the situation.
‘Hey you two don’t start’ Mark piped up. If only he knew.
Mark was the one of his family who could do no wrong. Rob was always feeling he had to prove himself. Who knew why? I couldn’t see the need myself. Mark was soft and a pushover. Rob was masterful and stood his ground. Rob was good at a lot of things. He was a wow with the ladies, all my friends swooned over him. He was good at his job as an outdoor pursuits instructor. He had tons going for him. Why he felt he was in Marks shadow who knew. Because there was no need they were so totally different and brilliant at different things. There need not be any competition.
He had found his niche and so had Mark it was just that Mark and Rob’s parents thought Rob was a little unconventional. Mind you Mark wasn’t so blue eyed when he told them he was moving up here. What would his poor mother do without him? And how would they get to see their first grandchild? They just exasperate me.
‘Can I get a look at the son and heir then?’ Rob approached me looking at the bump. I lifted him out and passed him to Rob. I knew he wasn’t that interested in Dougie but had to show willing but the way he held him close and looked at his tiny hands and stroked his soft downy hair was as if he fell in love with him there and then. Maybe he was maturing.
‘He’s beautiful Ali,’ he looked at me and smiled, a smile that reached his eyes. ‘You must be so happy?’
‘Yes indeed we are.’
‘Is he good?’ The question everyone asks but not one you would expect from Rob. I couldn’t help but smile.
‘What?’
I shook my head ‘Nothing Rob…I just didn’t expect that type of question from you that’s all.’ He held my gaze and raised his eyebrows
‘yeh he’s good I guess I don’t know I’ve never done this before.’
‘The birth went well?’
‘Yeh Rob it did. Do you want to know the gorey details?’
‘No no that’s fine I was just asking.’ He cradled Dougie and kissed he forehead. He looked so good with him.
Mark continued to play firemaker whilst I made a weak coffee for all of us. The coffee was running low too so we had to be sparing with it.
‘How long you thinking of staying Rob?’ I handed him his coffee and he took a sip of the scolding black liquid before replying.
‘Why is it a problem?’
‘No, of course not. I just wanted to know because we have to ration our food that’s all. We’re running low and stupidly didn’t get enough.’
‘Ever the practical one.’ Mark offered. I sat on his knee as both the chairs were now taken up.
‘It’s ok I understand. I’ve bought some stuff with me I can eat. Packet meals so don’t worry I won’t need to eat your stuff. I didn’t think you’d have thought about it properly so at least I came prepared.’ Rob laughed at the pair us.
‘Hey’ Mark reached over and thumped Rob in the arm. ‘We were sort of prepared just not for visitors.’
‘You too city slickers out here. What a laugh.’
‘You’re just jealous mate coz you’re not living here.’ Mark circled his arms round my waist and hugged me close. Rob cradled Dougie closer still.
‘I thought I’d hang here for a few days maybe see if the weather picks up. I checked the forecast a few times before I left and it didn’t say it was going to be this bad. But I can cope with it. If you can cope with me that is.’
I smiled. Of course he was welcome, he could stay as long as he liked. As long as it snowed or his food ran out. I began to hope it snowed for a few more days yet.
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